In a world exclusive revelation, intergalactic space warrior and former London Mayor candidate Count Binface has told OnLondon that he will run to be Mayor of Croydon in 2026.
Fresh from challenging Rishi Sunak in his Richmond (Yorkshire) seat at the general election, the bin-headed renegade is now eyeing up the suburban south London borough for his next political adventure.
Speaking to OnLondon on Zoom, presumably working remotely from his Sigma IX home, Binface discusses the fall of the Conservative government, the positioning of hand dryers in pubs, and the ideal temperature at which a croissant should be served (he’s also clear they should be price-capped at £1.10).
His comments comes ahead of his forthcoming UK tour, where he promises to deliver “the greatest sci-fi satire this side of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe”. Two London dates are planned, with one already sold out.
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Josiah Mortimer (Human, pictured left): Tell me about the past few months. You ran against Sadiq Khan and then Rishi Sunak in the general election. What were some highlights of the campaign trail?
Count Binface (Intergalactic Being, pictured right): 2024 has been the biggest year for democracy on Earth ever, and for me as well. In the London mayoral election, I beat Britain First by about 4,000 votes. Then I took on Rishi in Yorkshire and got my highest ever parliamentary score. I think Britain is hopeful now, having got rid of the Tories finally. But it doesn’t mean it’s all roses in the Rose Garden, because Labour aren’t enjoying great popularity either.
JM: There were some real highlights from your manifesto in May, which you carried over to the July manifesto. Thames Water bosses to be forced to swim in the Thames to see how they like it, London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller. Did you get any responses from officials while putting out these campaign pledges?
CB: I was most excited about upgrading and improving the position of the hand dryer in the Crown and Treaty pub in Uxbridge. I included that policy in my North Yorkshire manifesto too, knowing the good people of Richmond, North Yorkshire would support my work.
JM: What do you think it was about your pledges and campaigning in London that meant you appealed to Londoners more than the far-right party?
CB: Most Londoners found my manifesto and personality more appealing than that of a rather unpleasant bunch. I look up the table, not down. I want to aim for a champion’s league place.
JM: We’ve got council elections in London in May 2026. Is a campaign in Uxbridge or Croydon on the cards?
CB: I’m expanding my hand dryer policy nationwide. I’ve signed a treaty with the Crown and Treaty pub that if I’m elected, they’ll move the dryer. I wouldn’t be surprised if Croydon has some hand dryer issues of its own, and I’d be happy to rectify those. Croydon now has its own mayor. If I can get 24,000 votes in London, just think how high up the pecking order I could come in Croydon.
JM: Is this a world exclusive? We heard it here first, that you’re running for Croydon Mayor?
CB: Croydon is big enough to be funny and important, small enough to be a place that no one really cares about. It’s perfect, right in my wheelhouse. The crazy thing is that it costs £5,000 to stand for mayor of Croydon, compared to £10 for London Mayor. (Last part not actually true: Ed).
JM: You’ll have to do a lot of fundraising among your supporters to raise that kind of money.
CB: Exactly. I’ll have to do crowdfunding. I haven’t got that kind of money myself. If the people of Croydon are up for it, maybe I will be too.
JM: You were endorsed by the Daily Star in your July parliamentary run. Are you expecting any more endorsements ahead of your next political journey?
CB: I never expect endorsements, as that’s hubristic. But I’m always over the moon when celebrities or others support me. Carol Vorderman has been very positive towards me. I’ve had some lovely guests on my podcast, Trash Future, including Ian Hislop, Stewart Lee, Matthew Wright and Alice Roberts.
JM: There’s a Tory leadership election happening right now. Did you consider throwing your hat in the ring?
CB: No, they’re my mortal enemy. Why would I do that? I’m quite happy for those rats to fight amongst themselves and see who emerges as the last rat standing.
JM: Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner recently made news for raving on holiday. Where does Count Binface go for his downtime?
CB: I haven’t been to Ibiza, but I’m a big fan of crazy golf. You might find me at your local mini-golf course. It’s a bit easier on your planet, with gravity. I even had a celebrity pro-golf match with Ben Fogle, and it was a draw, although I think he might have fiddled the scores.
JM: How does it feel to be a celestial being with a bin on your head, yet still seem much more serious than many other politicians you stood against?
CB: We should never take democracy for granted. Not many countries on Earth have it, and you’re the only planet in the omniverse that has it. I like to think there’s humour in what I do, but I also think we can demonstrate the wonderful British sense of humour in elections, which other countries admire. If I can play a small part in that, then I feel very lucky indeed.
JM: Do you think a Count Binface character would survive in the United States?
CB: There is a strange individual in the United States called Vermin Supreme. He’s a bit of an American equivalent to me. He dresses like a wizard with a Wellington boot on his head and offers free ponies for everyone. But I feel there’s still a place for me in American politics, and I’ve got my visor on them for the future.
JM: Is it true that you’re going to play a renegade Time Lord leading a gang of cyborg warriors in the next series of Doctor Who?
CB: Alas, not yet. But by all means, Russell T Davies, I’m happy to consider an offer.
JM: Tell us about your tour. You’re doing a night in London at the Phoenix, right?
CB: Yes, the first one sold out. The 3rd of December is now on sale for the London grand finale of this leg.
JM: What might human viewers expect from your UK-wide tour?
CB: I’m calling it the greatest sci-fi satire this side of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. You’re going to get a whole lot of stuff on what’s gone wrong with the UK and planet Earth, plus what’s going on in the rest of the omniverse. Then, of course, my diagnosis and prescription, all my policies, and lots more about how to make Britain intergalactic again. There will be a large section devoted to croissant economics.
JM: What is the ideal temperature at which croissants should be served?
CB: I’m quite liberal on this. I won’t prescribe how hot or cold your croissant can be. I’d say no croissant should be served lower than zero degrees Celsius, and certainly not higher than 500 degrees Celsius. Beyond that, it’s up to you.
JM: How would you describe the state of democracy in London and the UK?
CB: They changed the voting system from single transferable vote to first-past-the-post, to the detriment of independent candidates like me. That kind of thing undermines and erodes voters’ confidence in the system. It’s the kind of thing I want to stamp out, just like I’d stamp out the House of Lords.
JM: Any final message for Londoners now that we’re in a new reign of Sadiq Khan’s premiership here, and a new government UK-wide?
CB: Now that we’ve kicked the Tories out, the question is, what’s next? We’re not going to let Keir Starmer do whatever he likes with his 170-seat majority. We’ll hold his feet to the fire. If he messes up, we’ll tell him about it and stand against him in the next election. I am the real force of opposition, the real force of affordable pastry products, and the real force behind building at least one affordable house. I’m not going to let these politicians mess up your planet or your city anymore. I’m not going away. If you want to see me launch the next phase of my interstellar domination, come and join me either at the Phoenix in North London or in wonderful Croydon. Together, we will make comedy, satire, and British politics great again.Also, it’s the 50th anniversary of Ceefax on the 24th of September!
JM: Thank you so much for your time. May Ceefax return and reign supreme.
Tickets are still available for Count Binface’s December 3rd show at The Pleasance theatre, which promises to be a wild ride through space, time, and the world of the Recyclons…